Lesser-Known Boutique Gyms

Space-Fit: Our patented Quick-LaunchTM bounce platform will take your work-out to the next level of the atmosphere. In partnership with SpaceX, our revolutionary low-impact, low-gravity cardio will have you shedding pounds like a lunar-shuttle’s ballast. $45/class.

Fitnesssssss: Try out the only gym that provides 100% organic snakes! Bicep curls aren’t the same without a 50 pound python curled around each arm! Try the ropes course over our state-of-the-art Viper PitTM, ethically sourced from an undisclosed local jungle. $25/class + $5/snake.

G-AI-nz: Take a crack at our robotic martial arts trainers. We’ve programmed these androids to be fun, fit and not at all fatal. Go a round in our ring to work out all your automation-related existential fear. It probably won’t result in the singularity. $80/round + $40 rebate for a K.O.

El Flu: We give you the Spanish Flu. You languish in our inpatient center for weeks on end, hooked up to an Ultra Boost Nutrient IVTM that sustains only your most vital functions. Eventually we release you, blinking into the daylight in your dream body. Influenza immunity only lasts one season, but your nutrient-packed beach bod should last you at least two. $3000/epidemic.